Oh wow, I cannot believe it has been 3 weeks already. Well, not much to report on this end. DH FINALLY has his SA on Monday so then maybe we can make some progress here. I cannot stand waiting around. It seems like while I am waiting, everyone else around me keep getting pregnant without even thinking about it. There a nurse at work who is pregnant and sat next to me a couple of weeks ago complaining about how big a convenience this pregnancy is to her life. I only wish I could be so inconvenienced. Another coworker felt the need to tell me how super fertile she is because she had 4 kids with only one functioning ovary. I can only guess that the Lord felt I needed to hear that for some reason. All I could say was wow, saying anymore would have resulted in me breaking down in tears at the nurse's station and I could not handle that. That same night another nurse was telling me how it has been seven years since her tubal ligation and she is hoping that it lasts longer than that because she cannot bear the thought of anymore children. Once again another wow was all that I could muster.

I stopped charting, figured it did not make any sense with the blocked tubes and all. Would just be one more reminder of how useless my body is. The sad thing is, even after DH has his SA I would not be able to have surgery until sometime in July because I am starting a new job at the end of this month so I somehow have to squeeze in my infertility needs to the full time work schedule.

Why is nothing simple in my life?

I really need to call my cousin who had her second child about a month ago. We were really close growing up and drifted a part over the years. I hate to admit that I stopped keeping up with her after she had her first child because all she felt the need to ask me over and over was when we were going to have a child. She was stuck in this all married couples should have kids mode and it was not for lack of trying that I was not pregnant, good ole blocked tubes were stopping progress. Anyways, I could not stand too much of her and her happy family so we drifted a part. I feel bad but I am in such a crappy place right now that I do not think I have the strength for her and her 2 blessings.

Yup, really not in a positive frame of mind.

Spent a couple days with my in-laws a few weeks ago. I love hanging out with them because there is no pressure with them. My husbands brother and his wife also just had a son about 2 months ago. Of course she was passing the little fellow around and such. He is soo cute, but once again I could not bring myself to hold him. I really hate being that sensitive. What kills me about them is that this is their second child and both were "oops" because they never wanted children.

Uggg, I hope that this negative mood passes soon!! This is so not like me.

A girl can only hope!

I cannot believe how long it has been since I have blogged. Things have been busy with my stepdaughters here. It is their spring break and we had them for the past week. Will definitely have to pop in over the weekend to update. Not much really going on in terms of the IF plans. Just playing the waiting game for the referral to go through so hubs can have the SA done. Otherwise same ole, same ole.

On a funny note, silly me starting thinking "maybe the HSG opened my tubes up and something happened this cycle." My breasts are sore and have gotten a lot bigger than they normally do plus I have been cramping horribly throughout the cycle. So you know how we start to try to interpret signs and keep hope alive. Well after reading that these can all be early pregnancy symptoms I psych myself into POA and of course got a BFN. I was too busy laughing at myself to be upset. Not only have I no clue when I ovulated (I stopped charting when I learned about the tube blockage) but my period was not due for another week. Anyways, a girl can always hope can't she. I guess the cramping is still remants from the HSG and God only knows what is up with my boobs?!

Impatient

Yes, I am definitely one of the most impatient people on earth. One of my closest friends on earth is always teasing be about how I am never able to wait for anything. So of course I am dying waiting for my husband to have his semen analysis. My RE sent the paperwork for the lab and I was all set thinking that hubs could just pop in this week and get that done. Well, of course I forgot about one little piece - Tricare. Those who are in the military know that pains associated with our lovely military insurance. Do not get me wrong, for the most part Tricare has been great with my entire IF work-up and covered everything. It really has its benefits. However, things like IF have to be referred out and I assimed that DH would be covered under my refferal. Well apparently he needs to get his own referral to have the semen analysis. So now we wait. He cannot get into the clinic to get the referral until the 13th of this month. Then we have to wait for a week before the referral goes through. So we are looking at another 2-3 weeks before he gets the analysis. This is killing me. I wanted to just go ahead and pay out of pocket for it and forget about Tricare, but DH is such a saver so he wants to let the insurance pay for as much as it will because as we go down the IF road there will be thing Tricare does not cover. I hate when he makes sense. So here I am waiting - impatient me. Waiting is definately not one of the things that I do best!

Probably a good time to stay grounded by thinking of the things I am grateful for:

1. Ability to pursue my PhD. Has been a dream of mine and I am so blessed to have this opportunity.
2. Common sense - I have realized that there are soo many people out there that do not have this which makes it difficult for them.
3. God - I draw strength from his love.
4. The bakery around the corner that has free WIFI. I spend countelss hours there getting things I shouldn's and working on stuff for school.
5. My super-supportive husband. I have been reading about husbands who are not 100% on board with the TTC efforts. I could not imagine doing this without my husband's support.

Dreams

OK So I am up at 4:00 in the morning for a couple of reasons. One my dogs eat at night I can hear them chewing in the bedroom, it keeps me up. Two I work night shift so I am a bit of a night owl. Three the house it hot so with the change in weather I needed to cut the heat off and put the air on. And four, I had this crazy wild dream that woke me up from sleep and I needed to try to interpret it. My family is big on that, dream interpretation that is. My younger brother, mother and grandfather are all big dreamers and have always had some connection between their dreams and what is going on in their waking life or the life of those around them. So I pop out of bed running to look this dream up.

So the dream starts with me at my job as a nurse in the hospital and one of the unit secretaries comes to me and tells me that I accessed the internet and downloaded some virus that has shut the entire system down or infected the entire system. After arguing with her, I go to give report to the oncoming shift and realize that one of my patient's left the state to go to see her aunt and was planning on coming back later. It was only at this point that I realized that the physician did not give her permission to go. I start giving report to the nurse and then I leave.

The dream then fast forwards to my other job as a nursing instructor at a school here in the city. What is weird is that I took some time of from teaching to follow-up on the IF appointments and decide what we are going to do on that front. Anyways, the campus president comes to me with printouts that I made that were of test bank questions from another school I used to teach at. He accused me of selling the test banks and would not listen to any explanation I had. Apparently I was using the questions to make similar ones for my students to practice with for their nursing math competency exam. Anyways, our discussion got heated and I quit as I felt I was being disrespected. So I packed my stuff and was leaving the building. While leaving he stopped me at the door and started trying to offer me some incentive package to stay. Well, I then had him help me load my stuff up into my car and for some reason he was driving me home.

The dream then gets weirder - on the way home I make his stop so that I can buy a wig (I do not wear wigs IRL) but the wig store had been robbed so that took a while and he was getting upset. So I get to the house and it seems like we are packing to move. He starts helping me pack my car up and while he is loading up the car I start to do a load of laundry. He starts to rush me, and out of no where this other lady is with him (cannot reacall who she is) so I start trying to throw things together to get out of the house. While I am rushing, the clothes that I just washed are falling out of my box onto the floor - they are white and I cannot stop to pick them up. We get to the front door and it would not lock. There was a guard patrolling the neighborhood who stopped to see what was wrong and asked where my husband was. I forgot what I said but she did not call us by our right name. My husband's first name was right, but we had different last names and apparently she had a list that had said we had already moved and there were new people moving into the house.

Well at the end my campus president and this other woman in the care were rushing me so I had to leave the guard to try to lock the house up. He was still driving and could not get out of the neighborhood but had to drive out backwards. While driving we passed 2 friends of mine from Jr High School - one who has 5 children, and this other guy I had not thought of in years. That is when I woke up.

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I guss I should mention that I had a huge Margarita from O'Charley's and a Bud Light before I went to bed so that may have induced these dreams, but usually when I dream that vividly it means something. My favorite place for dream interpretation is dreammoods.com. So I will cut and paste the dream dictionary pieces here and put what I think below it.

Job

To dream about your current job, suggests that you need to work harder or be more effective at work. There may be something or some task that must be done at once. You may be overworked or preoccupied with work. You need to make time for leisure and relaxation.

To dream that you lost your job, represents instability and insecurity in your waking life.

This is interesting because I am always feeling that I forgot something at work or did not do something. There is the possibility that I am overworked because I am taking time off in a week so I am trying to get extra shifts in. In terms of insecurity the whole IF thing has me feeling insecure as a woman.

Boss

To see your boss in your dream, represents the bossy or authoritative side of your own personality. Your boss may reveal self-confidence and the assertive aspect of yourself. It is telling of your issues of control and authority. Alternatively, to see your boss in your dream may indicate your over-involvement or obsession with your work. Negatively, the boss in your dream may symbolize your limitations and lack of freedom/originality.

This supports the over-worked theme from above. I am not REALLY that bossy - but my students say I am, and so does hubby.

Resign

To dream that you resign from any position, indicates major changes in your life. You feel that you can no longer go on in the same course and must make drastic changes.

Maybe the IF issues? Not to sure what other changes there are - maybe that is yet to come.

Accusation

To dream that you are being accused of something, indicates that you are feeling guilty. It may also mean that you are having some doubts about yourself and the choices you are making.

I also think this can be linked to the IF issues. On another note I am supposed to have oral surgery Tuesday and was thinking of cancelling. I am having orthodontic work done and this was to facilitate that however I was having second thoughts and thinking of taking another course (will have to blog about that at another time).

Wigs

To dream that you are wearing a wig, symbolizes deception, incompetence, false impressions, pretentiousness and falsehood. You may be taking on other people's ideas and opinions and trying to pass them off as your own. You are not being true to your own beliefs. You need to start thinking for yourself. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are "wigging out" or making a big deal over some trivial matter.

I am leaning to the "wigging out" piece here because I never really wore the wig. Maybe my frustrations and feelings over the IF situation is what brought this about? Not too sure here.

Moving

To dream that you are moving away, signifies your desire or need for change. It may also mean an end to a situation or relationship; you are moving on. Alternatively, it indicates your determination and issues regarding dependence/independence.

The change piece here also raises some questions, there were a couple other things that indicated change as well - so I am really wondering what is to come. There is some stuff going on with my brother and his ex-girlfriend that is changing the dynamics of our family so that may be the part that is changing now that I think about it. Hmmmmm. That now starts to make more sense.

Laundry

To dream that you are doing your laundry, suggests that you are cleaning up your act or change your image. You are concerned about how you appear to others.

This one has me stumped too. Not too sure where this fits.

Locks

To see a lock in your dream, signifies your inability to get what you want or that you are being kept out of some activity or situation. Perhaps an aspect of yourself is locked up inside and needs to be expressed.

This totally sounds like the IF situation. Being unable to have a child right now and the possibilty of never having chidren.

Doors

To dream that the doors are closed or locked, signify opportunities that are denied and not available to you or that you have missed out on. Something or someone is blocking your progress. It also symbolizes the ending of a phase or project. In particular, if you are outside the locked door, then it suggests that you are having some anti-social tendencies.

To see opened doors in your dream, symbolize your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts. In particular, to see a light behind it suggests that you are moving toward greater enlightenment/spirituality.

Since the door never really locked I think I am going to take this as the openness to new ideas. I am also wondering that if because the door stayed open after trying to lock it that the opportunities are still out there and I have not missed out on them.

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Well, any thoughts would be great. I am still trying to make sense of it all. My dogs are done eating so I will try to get some sleep now.

It could always be worse.

One of the things that I love about being a nurse is the fact that you will always see someone who is worse off than you. As I have been sitting here these past couple of days feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I may not be able to fulfill the one dream I have had for as long as I can remember I realize that there are those out there that have it so much worse off than I do. I have seen several blogs that include a few thing that we are grateful for and that is something that is very grounding. It really helps to put things in perspective. So I too will join the masses and quickly mention what I am grateful for.

1. Life - The fact that I woke up today is definitely something that I thank God for.
2. Love - The ability to experience the love of family, friends and my husband. There are so many out there who do not speak to their family members and have no one to call on in time of need.
3. Employment - I am so grateful to work in a profession that provides job security and a pretty decent income.
4. Home - A roof over my head; pretty much goes without saying.
5. Lady & Missy - Silly as it sounds, my dogs have been such a source of strength and encouragement for me over the years. They are so ignorant of the stress in the world that I often can just look and them and feel better when I am blue. They truely live the life!

On another note, I wanted to thank everyone for the warm welcome and comments. I started blogging just because I have so much in my mind and in my heart and I do not think that there is anyone who would understand what I am feeling right now. I am so relived to know that I am not alone and that there are others out there in the same boat who do understand where I am coming from. It has also lifted my spirits to see the various paths that everyone has taken to realize their dreams and fight the IF battle. I am still a little bumed, but no longer as blue and I have my fellow bloggers to thank for that.

Chin Up!

Yeah, that seems to be what I have to tell myself to get through this day. To not break down in tears at every baby commercial or every pregnant person who crosses my path. Hubby is out of town for work so it is just me and the dogs. I guess we have been together for so long for him to know that I am feeling down because he keeps calling to ask "are you ok?" I know me means well, but I am not suicidal or anything, just really bummed out and tired of everything being so difficult. Having children is something that humans have been doing since Adam and Eve I just hate that this is such a struggle.

One of my closest cousins just had her second little one and I cannot find the strength to call and congratulate her. I guess I will have to just send a card, I can do that without crying I think. Just really trying to keep positive and yep - chin up! I think that came from Mary Poppins. But I keep saying that over and over hoping it will sink in.

HSG Hurts

No matter what they say, the HSG is uncomfortable. I think it is even more so for those who have not had children. It involves inserting a catheter into the cervix and using that catheter to instill dye into the uterus to visualize all of the reproductive structures. HSG stands for hysterosalphigography for anyone who is interested. As mush as I appreciate the down to earth nature of my doctor, I wish he had better prepared me for the test. My husband did not even come because he made it sound like such a quick and simple procedure - so I told him not to bother coming. That is not the case.

I highly recommend premedicating with something like Advil or Aleeve prior to the procedure that may help make your experience more comfortable. The insertion of the catheter feels like a deep internal pinch, once the catheter is in a balloon is inflated to hold it in place. The next painful piece is the injection of the dye. This feels like a constant cramping, similar to menstrual cramps. What made this worse for me was the fact that my tubes are completely blocked. This being the case, the doc actually tried to force them open with the dye and had me tilt onto both of my sides (none of which worked) in an effort to open them. I was in so much pain that water was coming to my eyes and I wanted to jump off the table. I so wished my husband was there.

In the middle of everything, the catheter slipped out, so I had to endure the pain of reinserting the catheter again. As I stated the end result is that both of my tubes are completely blocked. The next step is laparoscopic surgery to see what exactly is blocking the tubes and to what extent they are blocked. First the doc wants my husband to have a semen analysis incase we need to start looking at IVF options as well. This will also give me time to recover from the HSG and the emotions involved with that.

The journey begins.