Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Oh wow, I cannot believe it has been 3 weeks already. Well, not much to report on this end. DH FINALLY has his SA on Monday so then maybe we can make some progress here. I cannot stand waiting around. It seems like while I am waiting, everyone else around me keep getting pregnant without even thinking about it. There a nurse at work who is pregnant and sat next to me a couple of weeks ago complaining about how big a convenience this pregnancy is to her life. I only wish I could be so inconvenienced. Another coworker felt the need to tell me how super fertile she is because she had 4 kids with only one functioning ovary. I can only guess that the Lord felt I needed to hear that for some reason. All I could say was wow, saying anymore would have resulted in me breaking down in tears at the nurse's station and I could not handle that. That same night another nurse was telling me how it has been seven years since her tubal ligation and she is hoping that it lasts longer than that because she cannot bear the thought of anymore children. Once again another wow was all that I could muster.

I stopped charting, figured it did not make any sense with the blocked tubes and all. Would just be one more reminder of how useless my body is. The sad thing is, even after DH has his SA I would not be able to have surgery until sometime in July because I am starting a new job at the end of this month so I somehow have to squeeze in my infertility needs to the full time work schedule.

Why is nothing simple in my life?

I really need to call my cousin who had her second child about a month ago. We were really close growing up and drifted a part over the years. I hate to admit that I stopped keeping up with her after she had her first child because all she felt the need to ask me over and over was when we were going to have a child. She was stuck in this all married couples should have kids mode and it was not for lack of trying that I was not pregnant, good ole blocked tubes were stopping progress. Anyways, I could not stand too much of her and her happy family so we drifted a part. I feel bad but I am in such a crappy place right now that I do not think I have the strength for her and her 2 blessings.

Yup, really not in a positive frame of mind.

Spent a couple days with my in-laws a few weeks ago. I love hanging out with them because there is no pressure with them. My husbands brother and his wife also just had a son about 2 months ago. Of course she was passing the little fellow around and such. He is soo cute, but once again I could not bring myself to hold him. I really hate being that sensitive. What kills me about them is that this is their second child and both were "oops" because they never wanted children.

Uggg, I hope that this negative mood passes soon!! This is so not like me.